Deception and the Destruction of Your Relationship
You didn't get the memo did you? ;) Cheating and lying is actually on the same wavelength. “Cheating” is literally the breaking of the rules of a relationship. Here are common lies every cheating woman have used: It is normal and actually healthy though, for a woman who is in a relationship to take a break and . As a sex and relationship coaches, we know that people rarely lie Joe was certain that Catherine had cheated on him on the trip and was.
Couple sitting together in restaurant In the hierarchy of unforgivable relational sins, we think of lying - and especially the lying associated with "cheating" - as perhaps the worst non-abusive relationship sin. Because lying is considered to be a universal evil, a person who lies in their relationship rarely gets much sympathy.
Many potentially amazing relationships end because the person who lies is vilified and the offended party never takes a beat in order to get a handle on the why of the lie. The truth is, people lie to the people they love all the time in small and not-so-small ways. Lying can be everything from saying you are "fine" when you are not to going behind their back and having sex with another person.
As a sex and relationship coaches, we know that people rarely lie because they are evil, selfish monsters with no regard for others. Much more often, people lie because they are terrified of what might happen if they tell the truth.
They fear they may be ridiculed, humiliated or left by the people they love the most. Allow us to illustrate an example from our practice. Joe has wrestled with depression his whole life.
While his depression did not go away when he met his wife, Catherine, he put it to us like this: I used to have trouble getting out of bed most days and I thought a lot about suicide and even made one attempt. These last 5 years being with Catherine, I've only had two depressive episodes. Joe was certain that Catherine had cheated on him on the trip and was feeling suicidal. He felt he could never trust her again. In an individual session with Catherine she broke down crying, "I want you to understand, since I met Joe, for the most part I've been so happy and fulfilled.
I've never felt alone, and I think he is really sexy, but I did lie to him and I feel horrible. There is no excuse for what I did, but I want to explain.
Common lies unfaithful women tell : Evewoman - The Standard
I went on the trip and, while I was there, I kissed a friend of mine. I'm not even sure exactly why I kissed him but I think I was just feeling so suffocated, and on the trip I felt so free. I got pretty drunk and I was feeling this wild, playful part of me that I've kind of lost. I love Joe more than anything in the world, and I am so happy that I married him, but his depression has been really hard.
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I feel so selfish when I say it, but the two times it's gotten really bad during our relationship, it was because of something I did. Joe can get really jealous and insecure and he takes my occasional flirting as certain evidence that I will cheat on him someday. In general, he is very anxious when I hang out with my friends.
This type of restrictive situation can become a hotbed for dishonesty. The woman may lie about time alone she spent with a male friend or co-worker, or the man may lie about an attraction he is starting to feel for another woman.
The Truth About Lying To Someone You Love
When we treat our partners with respect and honesty, we are true not only to them but to ourselves. We can make decisions about our lives and our actions without compromising our integrity or acting on a sense of guilt or obligation. When we restrict our partners, we can compromise their sense of vitality, and we inadvertently set the stage for deception.
The more open we are with each other, the cleaner and more resilient our relationships become. Conversely, the more comfortable we become with keeping secrets, the more likely we become to tell bigger and bigger lies.
When an affair occurs, denial is an act of deception that works to preserve the fantasy that everything is okay. Admitting that something is not okay or that you are looking for something outside the relationship is information that your partner deserves to know.
Emotions sprung from deception like suspicion and anger can tear a relationship apart, but more importantly they can truly hurt another person by shattering their sense of truth.
Relationships are contingent on honesty and openness. They are built and maintained through our faith that we can believe what we are being told.
However painful it is for a betrayed spouse to discover a trail of sexual encounters or emotional attachments, the lying and deception are the most appalling violations. An ideal relationship is built on trust, openness, mutual respect and personal freedom. But real freedom comes with making a choice, not just about who we are with but how we will treat that person.
Choosing to be honest with a partner every day is what keeps love real. So while freedom to choose is a vital aspect of any healthy and honest union, deception is the third party that should never be welcome in a relationship. About the Author Lisa Firestone, Ph.