How to end a push and pull relationship

Relationship Push Pull - Find The Balance You've Been Seeking! - Daily Love with Mastin Kipp

how to end a push and pull relationship

Last night, a different friend and I were talking about the push and pull of most relationships: one person wants more connection, the other one. In this push-pull dance, one partner seeks greater connection but grows. the bonds of a relationship so much that the relationship may end. The article explores the toxic pattern of hot cold, push pull relationships. Find out why the fear of abandonment drives this pattern, the effects and how you.

The Push-Pull Relationship

In this push-pull dance, one partner seeks greater connection but grows increasingly critical when connection is elusive. The other partner seeks greater autonomy and increasingly withdraws in the face of complaints and pressure. Underneath this frustrating cycle lies the differing attachment styles of partners. Pursuing partners fear rejection or abandonment, and seek reassurance from their partners through closeness and connection.

Withdrawing partners fear being controlled or crowded, and seek relief through independence and autonomy.

Here is an online quiz to help you identify if you have a pursuer-withdrawer relationship.

The push Pull relationship | Emotion & Relationship Advice | UK | Emotion Enhancement

On some level, pursuers know that chasing a withdrawer is counterproductive. Withdrawers know on some level that the pursuer wants closeness but it can feel overwhelming or frightening to provide it. Withdrawers fear that giving in to demands for more connection will lead to losing themselves in the relationship. The withdrawer, too, feels caught in a damned-either-way dynamic: Give in and feel trapped, or resist and receive mounting criticism.

The result can be frequent conflict, a cold-war atmosphere, chaos or drama. In time, this weakens the bonds of a relationship so much that the relationship may end. Here are seven effective ways to deal with a pursuing-withdrawing dynamic in your relationship: Pursuers tend to magnify the focus on problems. Together, they create a push-pull dance that alienates both. To improve your relationship it helps to recognize that this cycle, not your partner, is the enemy of your relationship.

Focus on changing the dance, not on changing your partner.

how to end a push and pull relationship

It helps to view problems as happening to the relationship, not to your personally. What could I do? Fast forward to my late 20s and I had a similar experience. I fell for a charming and handsome Irish rugby player. We spent a romantic weekend together in Donegal and I fantasised about a future with him.

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But the next time we met, everything had changed. It was like a switch had flipped inside me. I didn't like him anymore. Again, I felt repelled. This must be wrong, I thought. I'm going to have to end it.

Fortunately by then, I'd done a huge amount of personal development and therapy, and I'd studied psychotherapy. I had an awareness of my relationship patterns in my 40s that I didn't have in my teens, 20s or 30s. I understood that I was prone to push-pull, or rather pull-push. One moment, I'd desperately want a guy and I'd do whatever I could to reel him in, to draw him close. The next moment, I'd flip and I'd want to push him away or run for the hills.

how to end a push and pull relationship

I'd find reasons why it wouldn't work out. I'd decide I didn't like his nose, his shoes or his approach to life.

If we'd had mobile phones when I was young, I'd likely have been guilty of ghosting - of disappearing without word or trace. So what was going on? Well, I was desperate to love and to be loved, so desperate that I craved being with a man. I had low self-esteem and I wanted to feel attractive and worthy. I was petrified of being hurt and abandoned, and of being suffocated.

Eventually, I saw the light.

7 Ways to Overcome a Push-Pull Dynamic in Your Relationship | Love Matters

I understood that my subconscious was in the driving seat of my romantic life - hurling me into relationships because I was desperate for love and affection but yanking me out of them before I got in too deep so that I didn't get hurt, rejected or trapped.

We all remember the late evening strategy sessions with friends, the endless tracking of who called first, the weighing in of when it was ok to call back, how to show you were interested but not too interested. This balancing act that characterizes most early dating scenes often evolves into romantic patterns that plague many ongoing relationships. In my own marriage, we suffered through years of what often becomes one of the most hurtful and significant battles in a relationship: The questions can seem playful, such as: The shame of rejection is no easier to bear than the shame of chronic lack of desire.

We all know this story in some form, and we continue to analyze it, trying to determine responsibility. Placing blame is the easiest way to find a way to live with the pain of unrequited desire.